. . . I was both the victim and perpetrator of bad treatment. Competition instead of patient self discovery (developing true skills and interests) led to rash choices and disappointment in outcomes that did not boost my worth. Until I became a mother, it was possible to function this way because I could uphold appearance through control.
After the birth of my twins, I was ashamed to admit I had postpartum depression. I believed that the fact that I didn’t bond instantly with my boys or feel overwhelming love towards them meant I was a bad mother. I hid the confusion and ambivalence I felt instead, refusing to accept treatment. . .
I was diagnosed with major depression instead of postpartum depression (it had been more than a year since giving birth.) This diagnosis rankled me. Now I wanted postpartum depression. It would be much more acceptable and understandable than just depression. Depression implied I was unhappy with my life (wife, mother, stay-at-home wife/mom) whereas postpartum depression was a chemical imbalance induced by birth and therefore not my fault. It was all about blame, acceptable explanations, and shame. . .
Read more of cardamone5’s story. Visit Sidelines | Breaking the Cycle.