Dodging Suicide

Up until that moment (of being dumped by colonoscopy guy) today wasn’t all that bad. I actually got a little painting done on a piece I started two months ago. I wrote out a check and caught up on some school and personal paper work. Then I got the text and, even though I didn’t really like the guy that much, it just hit me kinda hard.

When, on our date, he tried kissing me I know he had to feel my indifference. I didn’t give him anything at all in that kiss. Why would he waste any more time on me?

Why would I waste time on him? Because I’ve always gone with guys I feel sparks with and it always ends badly. So I figured if I gave someone I felt no sparks for but seemed like a really nice guy maybe the end would be different.

But I’m on my couch all alone again with no dates in the near future. This was so much more fun six years ago when I first left my ex husband. Now dating feels more like a chore and I remind myself of the women I felt sorry for back then. The ones that gave up; who told me men our age are just too damaged and it’s so hard to find a good one. I want to be the person I was six years ago. I want to be positive my life is better being alone than feeling alone while married. I want to be the person who believed I wouldn’t be alone for long. I want to have fun doing this again. I want to just have fun.

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