One of diagnosis by a clinical psychologist I received from a psychiatrist is personality disorder with histrionic tendency. It immediately made me feel bad to be diagnosed with personality disorder. But I told myself that healing would start beginning with self-acceptance of the problems and how much I wanted to get better and happier. I have already refused to see a psychiatrist voluntarily or with force because of such bad stigma on mental illness among Koreans based on Korean culture and perception. I thought I was already victimized enough and didn’t put myself into a position to have myself labeled as a mental illness patient because it would be shameful with unwanted criticism and judgment from those who had zero understanding and empathy for people suffering from mental illness. Because I knew that would bring even more pain. I was scared of getting criticized and judged even further more than motivated to seek for help. . .
I no longer carry shame and bad stigma for having mental issues for myself to educate not only myself but others with the goal of getting better and happier to healing. I want to be wholesome and free from all kinds of emotional and psychological hang-ups and burdens that have been weighing me down causing a lot of suffering and pain which made it difficult for me to function in work place and to build secure and healthy relationships. This is a big step to my healing journey which will bring amazing experiences with big shifts in my life. I no longer cry silently. I can cry out. What a progress. Now I slowly start learning my emotions that have been repressed for over 30 years and enjoy exploring them. There are no such bad feelings. Feelings are not good or bad. I learn to experience my feelings for what they are without repressing them no matter how scary and difficult they may hit me. I pray for courage and strength. I believe in the power within myself even though I don’t have full understanding of it.
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